The Jedi mind trick to make people feel understood
Mirroring is the secret weapon for better negotiations.
I always feel skeptical when a waiter doesn’t write down the orders at the restaurant.
Maybe it’s because I know I wouldn’t be able to remember everything. So I end up projecting my own limitations onto the waiter, even though they handle this task every day.
It’s kind of a silly doubt, isn’t it?
However, there's always a moment of tranquility when the waiter, after receiving the order, seamlessly recites back to you each item with extreme precision1.
What’s really fascinating is that this small act isn’t just about accuracy. It leverages a psychological principle that creates trust and connection: mirroring.
🔬Psychologist Richard Wiseman conducted an experiment, where he found out that waiters that mirrored their customers' orders experienced a stunning 📈💰 70% increase in tips compared to those who relied on positive reinforcements.
The waiters that mirrored were simply repeating customers’ orders back to them.
The others were using words such as “no problem”, “great” and “sure” in response to customers’ orders (i.e. positive reinforcement).
How does that work?
Mirroring is an unconscious neurobehavior in humans and some animals.
It is a mechanism to forge connection and nurture trust. It’s a way to say to our unconscious: “we’re very much alike”, creating a sense of familiarity and affinity.
Christopher Voss - former FBI hostage negotiator and bestselling author of "Never Split The Difference" - calls mirroring a Jedi mind trick.
For the FBI, a “mirror” is when you repeat the last three words (or the critical one to three words) of what someone has just said.
For example:
CEO: "I think we need to focus more on customer feedback."
You: "Focus more on customer feedback?"
This repetition encourages the other person to elaborate.
Mirroring insinuates similarity, and therefore facilitates bonding, because we humans are inherently drawn to what’s similar.
And it can be done with:
speech patterns
body language
tempo
tone of voice
If you are into the science of persuasion, I also wrote this other piece that might be helpful.
If you are in sales (but who isn’t really?), learning and mastering mirroring can be a valuable skill.
Christopher Voss formulated this 5-step process to master mirroring:
Use a calm and slow voice (aka late-night FM DJ voice). If done properly, you create an aura of authority and trustworthiness (remember this piece on vocal tones?)
Start with “I’m sorry, …”
Mirror, by repeating the last 3 words of what someone has just said - upward or downward inflecting.
Silence. Let them elaborate on what they just said and you just mirrored.
Repeat the process.
Mirroring make the other person feel seen, heard, and valued, and it’s a key skill to learn if you wish to be a better negotiator and communicator.
At first, it might feel awkward to use, but with practice, it will become a powerful conversational tool you can rely on in both professional and everyday interactions.
See you all next Sunday 🗓️
Thanks,
Giacomo
There are times when the waiter forgets one or two items while repeating the order back to me. In those moments, I completely lose trust in them.
Quite true, Giacomo. Great post as usual!
Psychology dictates a lot of these skills we think are unobtainable: but mere observation and learning about human psychology might give you more insights than you might think about marketing, selling things, negotiating...
Even poker has a lot of it based on knowing how to read others' body language to call bluff!
Well … the issue is….its a trick. So now -after having read your piece (or any other sales or manipulation instructions) I will not trust a mirroring person, as I assume their mirroring is not genuine.